sometimes

Recently I’ve been feeling really angry about many things and at many people, some of whom I know personally, some of whom I don’t.

Recently I’ve also been feeling sad again, on and off.

Everything is on and off –

my will to change

my will to become happier

my will to exercise

my sex drive

Sometimes I hate myself

Sometimes I feel like a fucking whale

Sometimes I feel like throwing everything off the table because I’m so mad

Sometimes I feel like punching the wall

Sometimes I feel like punching a face

Sometimes I feel like stabbing someone,

and I imagine what it’d be like to physically stab someone repeatedly with a sharp knife

Will the blood be really warm? Will it be sticky?

Sometimes I feel fine

Sometimes I feel broken into a million pieces

Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead

Sometimes I feel like I’d be happier if I didn’t eat at all

and I just threw up everything I ate

Sometimes it’s difficult to even get out of bed

Sometimes it’s really difficult to hold back my tears – they come so suddenly

It happened just now when I was on the bus. Luckily no one saw.

But I don’t think that having depressive thoughts for a couple of weeks every-so-often is just laziness

That wouldn’t be fair.

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