Recently I’ve been feeling really angry about many things and at many people, some of whom I know personally, some of whom I don’t.
Recently I’ve also been feeling sad again, on and off.
Everything is on and off –
my will to change
my will to become happier
my will to exercise
my sex drive
Sometimes I hate myself
Sometimes I feel like a fucking whale
Sometimes I feel like throwing everything off the table because I’m so mad
Sometimes I feel like punching the wall
Sometimes I feel like punching a face
Sometimes I feel like stabbing someone,
and I imagine what it’d be like to physically stab someone repeatedly with a sharp knife
Will the blood be really warm? Will it be sticky?
Sometimes I feel fine
Sometimes I feel broken into a million pieces
Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead
Sometimes I feel like I’d be happier if I didn’t eat at all
and I just threw up everything I ate
Sometimes it’s difficult to even get out of bed
Sometimes it’s really difficult to hold back my tears – they come so suddenly
It happened just now when I was on the bus. Luckily no one saw.
But I don’t think that having depressive thoughts for a couple of weeks every-so-often is just laziness
That wouldn’t be fair.