High-functioning Depression

Prelude

I’m not sure if anybody will ever come across this or find this helpful, but here it is.

I’m writing a post on high-functioning depression because I’ve suffered from this for many years now. It wasn’t until two years ago when I returned to Hong Kong when I finally went to a clinical psychologist and received a proper diagnosis. Some people do not believe in “diagnoses”, because there are many instances of incorrect diagnoses. You can have the symptoms of multiple mental issues but not “have” any of those clinically. There are also many instances where people are given the wrong advice, wrong medication or treatment, but this doesn’t change how I feel (or am unable to).

I’m not here to be skeptical; I’m here to share. Who knows, maybe it will help somebody. Maybe it will help them knowing they are not alone, and that there are people who genuinely understand.

Bit of background

I come from a conservative environment and upbringing where everybody just “gets on with it” and expect you to do the same. I grew up in a high-stress environment where education means rote learning and stuffing information down your throats rather than nurturing one’s passion, interests or capabilities. Everybody is pragmatic and judgmental.

…Now, I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me, I’m merely painting a picture for you. I’m sure there are people who feel like they’ve grown up in a similar environment even if the cultures differ immensely. However, my point is that when you are so used to just “getting on with it” and being told that you’re just stressed and feeling emotional because everybody else is, that it’s normal, you start to believe it.

And because there is a stigma around mental illness (I believe this will never not be the case), I never talked to anybody about it or saught help until I went to university. My self-esteem has always been shite, but during my UG years I was on an emotional roller-coaster everyday. I’d burst out in tears in the library. I’d cry after sex. I would stop wanting to have sex. I’d self-harm or spend more days thinking about dying than otherwise. But I’ve found ways to get around it, and I’ve managed to stay alive.

So, what is the problem, then?

Because I no longer want to kill myself as much as I did before, and because I no longer felt extremely sad all the time, I stopped seeking help. I stopped talking to people about my feelings. Now, I don’t really have feelings anymore. People tell you it’s part of growing up, but it’s really not.

I don’t know how I got through any of it without fucking up my life. I only remember being stressed constantly, and worrying about hurting my girlfriend when I eventually tell her that I cannot go on like this. She’s wonderful, but my feelings are not there anymore. I cannot tell whether it’s my flat affect that is causing this or my inability to love or maybe it’s her. Either way, all my life I’ve just kept going and going and going, until one day I read this blog: https://theoakstreatment.com/blog/what-are-the-signs-of-high-functioning-depression/

Obviously, it’s only one of many blogs, articles and pieces of research that talk about depression (or mental illnesses more generally), but it really resonated with me. It’s so easy to just brush these things under the carpet; it’s easy to not take care of yourself; it’s easy to allow people to tell you that you’re just being dramatic and you’re stressed and you just need a break…but some times, it’s more than that.

I suppose what I wanted to say was: to anybody out there who’s feeling shit, or worthless, or whatever — I hope you will look for help. Talk to somebody. You don’t have to fight this battle alone. There are plenty of resources both online and off, where you can read about these things. Don’t give up.

Because I wanted you to know

“Because I wanted you to know”

Her tears rolled down her cheeks as Elio said those words and repeated them to himself.

There were days when she felt lonely, but today. Oh, today. She felt like she was suffocating from this silence.

This inability to talk to anybody.

It had been a while since she cried, even though it was a stressful couple of months.

Some times you know you are just dragging things on and there really isn’t a point but you go on anyway — lying to everybody.

But maybe you don’t have the strength to stop.

Maybe you don’t have the strength to be better.

Or maybe you just can’t be bothered

and you’re not worth it.

Maybe happiness requires work and since you’re not putting in the effort

you don’t deserve it.

Failing at poetry

Tired, is the feeling with which I’m always stuck

Dizzy, is my head right now, as the room spins round and round

On edge, is my state of being, not being able to not give a

FUCK

Sorry, is what I say all too often, when I shout and get angry

And the room spins around

And around

And around.

—————————-

I cannot write a competent rhyme

And this is not a matter of time

It’s more of an issue with talent and wit

‘Cause I’m not good with writing

This is honestly shit.

Waves

Sometimes my mind just thinks and thinks and thinks and goes off wandering

And then I start doubting everyone.

Sometimes I worry, I fear

And then I start doubting everyone.

Sometimes I look into the mirror and I squeeze my belly and my butt

And then I feel disgusting.

Sometimes I think dark and horrible thoughts about other people

And then I feel disgusting.

Sometimes I feel powerful,

sometimes I feel useless,

sometimes I feel sadistic,

sometimes I feel masochistic,

sometimes I think that everyone must think I’m a nuisance, and that I’m just an egocentric prick,

but most of the time I’m just exhausted,

exhausted from all the thinking and overthinking that I do every waking moment.

I can’t stop, but maybe I’m just not trying.

sometimes

Recently I’ve been feeling really angry about many things and at many people, some of whom I know personally, some of whom I don’t.

Recently I’ve also been feeling sad again, on and off.

Everything is on and off –

my will to change

my will to become happier

my will to exercise

my sex drive

…

Sometimes I hate myself

Sometimes I feel like a fucking whale

Sometimes I feel like throwing everything off the table because I’m so mad

Sometimes I feel like punching the wall

Sometimes I feel like punching a face

Sometimes I feel like stabbing someone,

and I imagine what it’d be like to physically stab someone repeatedly with a sharp knife

Will the blood be really warm? Will it be sticky?

Sometimes I feel fine

Sometimes I feel broken into a million pieces

Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead

Sometimes I feel like I’d be happier if I didn’t eat at all

and I just threw up everything I ate

Sometimes it’s difficult to even get out of bed

Sometimes it’s really difficult to hold back my tears – they come so suddenly

It happened just now when I was on the bus. Luckily no one saw.

But I don’t think that having depressive thoughts for a couple of weeks every-so-often is just laziness

That wouldn’t be fair.

Nobody else is here

At 23:06 I felt that something was wrong and that I was truly beginning to feel sad again for no reason, it wasn’t just a mood swing.

At 23:20 I tried to distract myself by trying to pleasure myself, but it just hurt. I couldn’t focus at all; I stopped.

At 23:38 I laid in bed naked, not knowing whether to text back to someone or not. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to interrupt.

At 23:47 I texted one of my closest friends and my ex to say that I was feeling very sad, neither of them replied probably because they were both busy, or just absent.

At 23:59 I am still in bed naked, my whole body shuddering because of my crying, no sound came out except for the chaotic inhales and exhales. Nobody else was there.

The last time I started crying in bed naked was on the morning of the 26th of February. Nobody was there for me then, and nobody was here for me tonight.

At 00:08 I am writing these exact words, wishing there was a warm body next to me, holding me and telling me that everything will be okay.

Nobody else is here.

–

It’s been a while since I last felt like this.

Water is welling up behind my eyes, a surge of sadness roaring inside my chest like an angry sea.

What if things don’t get better from here on?

What if I’ll never achieve anything great?

What if I will just disappoint everyone who cares about me?

What if I never find that person who will love me and allow me to love them back?

Tilt the scale

Once again I am unable to find this balance, the feeling of comfort between solitude and desire for human companionship/intimacy.

Tilt the scale. Make waves in my ocean.

I only want to find someone who can do that for me, but perhaps I am a sea that no one wishes to sail in.

I can’t remember the last time I thought about this, but I remember feeling content being alone. I was alone, but not lonely. But I don’t feel desperate either, for a relationship or sex.

Somehow, I can no longer be at ease, and enjoy a peaceful afternoon or evening where I can do whatever I want. I am constantly worried that I’d said something annoying, displeasing or unattractive. A lot of the thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing for the past month of so would point towards the idea that I probably just want to be in a relationship or something, but I feel pretty ambivalent towards talking to and meeting new people at the same time. I don’t understand what’s happening and I don’t like it. If I don’t even understand or know myself, how am I supposed to understand anything else?

I wish I could write more, because I don’t know what else to do with myself. Half of the time I am trapped in the chaos that is my overthinking and noise. I hate noisy thoughts. I have wished that people meant it when they said that they think I’m a good friend, or they appreciate me, or whatever. But having seen how ever-changing and irresolute people seem to be with their human relationships and whether they care to maintain them, I just can’t help but feel apathetic towards trying.

I’ve forgotten how good it feels to be able to hug someone and mean it.

I’ve forgotten how happy I was when I could stay up all night and chat with a dear friend of mine with a hot cup of tea. Those evenings were some of my favourite moments ever in the world.

I’ve forgotten how I could be so happy that my heart aches, when someone I loved said that they need me or wanted to see me right now.

I’ve forgotten the last time I felt attractive or sexy in front of the opposite sex.

But I don’t know if I care to feel them again anymore, because feelings change every moment, and disappear right away. Nothing is permanent, and probably no one cares.

I used to think that there’s colourful and warm little person inside of me, that will always keep going and make everyone else around her a bit happier. But she’s tired and I don’t know if she’ll ever come out again.

Ghosting, emotional attachment and other issues

Wow I haven’t written anything in a while, not that many people reads this but myself ha. Anyway, I do get annoyed at myself for not posting in such a long time – I actually had two film reviews and a post planned, but just never got around to it because of work and such…at least I’m doing it now!

As someone who has been using online dating apps for a little more than two years now, I can say that I’m really starting to get sick of it, well, or at least the people on it. I’m sure not everyone will relate or resonate with what I’m about to say, but I do think that many will agree (at least with most of the following points).

1. Ghosting sucks.

This happens to both boys and girls, men and women. For whatever reason the other person (or your ‘match’) chose to discontinue your conversations or interactions, it never feels nice to be ‘ghosted’. For those of you who do not know what the term means, to ‘ghost’ someone is to completely stop contact with the individual – texting, any form of communication via social media or apps…etc. The term derives from the fact that that person just disappears as if they were ghosts, never to be seen or found again. Whilst some of you may say things like: “hey, just take it easy, people are douches”, or “it probably wasn’t meant to work out”…etc. it really doesn’t help. Yes, a lot of the time these things would be made easier if we didn’t care, or cared less, but it’s just fucking frustrating when someone just ignores you when you did nothing wrong. It’s unfair. You could argue that who you are actually didn’t matter in the scenario, the person who ghosted you probably just found someone else despite your date going fairly well…and yes I’d agree to that, but there actually is a science behind the feeling of being ignored – it’s called ostracism.

Ostracism, or the act of ostracizing an individual, is to exclude them from a society or group. Psychological studies have found that people often felt distressed, sad and rejected after being ignored by a group of people; this result transferred even to an online game of ball passing (where the two non-player characters passed the ball to each other and not to the human participant). Obviously this is more related to people’s natural desire to belong, and to feel accepted and included; however, one similarity is that people would often rather be bullied or go through some sort of confrontation than experience the ‘silent treatment’. This makes intuitive sense, because if you’re being confronted, you at least get the chance to explain or defend yourself, and make yourself heard. In contrast, being ignored or ostracized just leaves you with that bitterness and lack of ending to a situation or relationship. This is obviously much more upsetting if you’ve known that person for a long time or had a meaningful relationship, but it’s frustrating all the same. *More on this in websites such as: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2009/04/social.aspx *

2.  Emotional attachment

This point is kind of linked to the previous one, in that the more emotionally attached you are to someone, the more ghosting or being ignored impacts you. I often find it difficult to move on from people (obviously not everyone, some people don’t deserve it), even if my interactions or ‘relationships’ with them only last for a very short amount of time. It is especially difficult to move on from someone or something if you did not have proper closure, and leaving people hanging or just ignoring them creates the lack of closure. It also doesn’t provide an explanation. At least for myself, I often find myself being upset and confused as to why people have chosen to discontinue their interactions or relationship with me – did I say something or do something wrong? Yes, I am an overthinker. I care waaaaay too much about what other people think of me, but that also makes me a sensitive person. I am open-minded, nonjudgmental and caring, and these are qualities I pride myself of. Although we all have strengths and flaws, most of us tend to focus on our flaws instead, and that’s not healthy. Sure, I think we should also try to improve ourselves, but our strengths are also worth remembering.

//

WordPress tells me that I created this draft 22 days ago. For whatever reason I decided not to finish or post this, I am back here now. I am aware that this post is likely to be received negatively (maybe not, it’s just a thought), but whatever. I think I originally wanted to talk about this because I honestly think it’s so unfair that people can walk away and disappear without saying anything. Is it so hard to take out the few seconds in your life and say “hey I’m sorry but I don’t think we click.” or whatever? By not saying anything you leave the other person potentially on false hope for a while.

“But why should I do it, I don’t care”

Many bad things stem from not caring about things or people. Sure, some times not caring is a good thing, but in the current context, I think it’s quite heartless to not care and just block someone. Again, I must stress that it is within the current context that I speak. If someone is stalking you and wouldn’t leave you alone after you have been clear then you have every right to block them and avoid them. But I do think that the other person who shared a conversation or a coffee or a night with you, however brief or drunk it may have been, deserves some sort of closure. Maybe you’re on the other end and you don’t care either, and I can’t change that.

I don’t even fucking know and I don’t care right now anymore about anything. Ironic.