It’s been a long time since I wrote anything, and it feels like a long time since I’ve had a clear mind at all.
These days I feel like I’ve fallen back into deep sleep – I never feel completely awake or aware. I am constantly exhausted and distracted. I constantly feel nothing.
I know what ‘happy’ feel likes, I know what ‘nervous’ feels like, what ‘angry’ feels like, what ‘sad’ feels like…and yet, I do not experience any of these emotions. I know when I’m supposed to be happy or sad or nervous or angry, I also know how to react accordingly, I just simply don’t feel them anymore.
And I haven’t been, for a while now.
I started a new job, I started a new relationship, and I started volunteering at this suicide hotline. I know I’m supposed to feel guilty when I make mistakes, and normally I’m the type of person to beat myself up over these mistakes, and feel bad for an extended amount of time. However, since some time ago, I’ve stopped feeling guilty.
I’ve stopped feeling altogether.
I know that I love my girlfriend because she’s great and I’ve never felt more comfortable and happy, but I don’t feel the butterflies in my stomach, the yearning for her when she’s not around, or the extreme happiness…but that’s just one example.