I’m in a weird mood. Recently, I lost my motivation in life; I lost my interest in many things in life that I previously were quite fond of – music, food, getting to meet new people and explore what they’re like…etc.
It’s been on my mind for a while already, that I am not depressed, but I’m kind of stuck in limbo. I’m demotivated, unsatisfied, never have energy, have a very flattened affect (some times I feel sad, but not very much so)…It kind of bothers me. Food and music are among some of my favourite things ever in life, but I’ve somehow lost my love for them along with my passion in other things in life, such as what I want to do as a job.
I used to be very passionate about becoming a counsellor or therapist, because I want to be able to listen to, understand and hopefully help people explore their vulnerabilities, fears, thoughts, feelings, doubts..whatever. I still want to do that, I think, as I will always want to help people, but do you catch my drift?
Feeling lost or depressed is not unusual especially in this day and age, especially in my generation where feelings are talked about a lot, “follow your heart” or “follow your dreams” are emphasized everywhere constantly, and feeling “happy” or having an enriched life is seen with a much higher importance than before. But is the sadness that we experience what is being talked about? Or is it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way? Are people more depressed now than a couple of decades ago, or are we just more aware? While this is not actually the main point of my post, it’s interesting to think about, I guess.
I used to, and I think I still am: someone who refuses to be a cynic when it comes to life and love. Sure I’ve hurt and been hurt; I’ve met wonderful and horrible people, just like many other people around the world. But I don’t know what I want anymore – it’s not so much feeling lost, but just not feeling much at all. For a long time I hated being alone, sleeping alone and having no one there for me. Yes I had my friends, but it’s different, having a romantic/intimate partner is different from having your friends and family around, I’m sure you can agree. Because of this I started using dating apps. I stopped looking for people I really really fancied and settled for momentary satisfaction, for lust, for short-lived and meaningless intimacy. For a while it was fun, and to an extent it still is – meeting new people, going on dates, having fun conversations – but I don’t know if I can be bothered anymore.
You can say that I’m just being incredibly lazy, and I guess you may be right. I won’t argue that. I guess what I wanted to say is just that it’s ok to feel only ok, or meh, or fine. We shouldn’t have to be happy, or present ourselves as mindful, happy, fulfilled people all the time, because the world needs us to be. While it is great that things such as mindfulness, well-being, diversity…etc. are being taken more seriously now, we shouldn’t feel like we HAVE to be positive and happy all the time – that’s just a bit inhuman.
I see it on different social media platform nowadays that people only post positive things and when they are sad or want to share something that is slightly melancholy or emotional that other people immediately want to avoid it, or react to it quite negatively. But why should be pretend to be ok when we’re not? I’m not saying I’m really upset, but people seem so afraid or irritated at people when they appear to be distressed or upset about something. Pewdiepie talked about this a while ago:
I don’t know. I forgot why I started writing this now. I guess one thing I do know is that before, I wrote on my dating profile that I enjoy meaningless sex; that’s certainly not true anymore, and to be honest I don’t know if it ever was true for me. Sex has never been an important thing to me as I have quite a low sex drive. To me it’s about being intimate with the person I like, or love, but I’ve only recently learned this.
Soppy message: don’t compromise to the world. Be who you are and strive towards who you want to be. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
*Picture taken from Sidi Larbi Cherkaoui & Woodkid’s music video I Will Fall For You*