Tilt the scale

Once again I am unable to find this balance, the feeling of comfort between solitude and desire for human companionship/intimacy.

Tilt the scale. Make waves in my ocean.

I only want to find someone who can do that for me, but perhaps I am a sea that no one wishes to sail in.

I can’t remember the last time I thought about this, but I remember feeling content being alone. I was alone, but not lonely. But I don’t feel desperate either, for a relationship or sex.

Somehow, I can no longer be at ease, and enjoy a peaceful afternoon or evening where I can do whatever I want. I am constantly worried that I’d said something annoying, displeasing or unattractive. A lot of the thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing for the past month of so would point towards the idea that I probably just want to be in a relationship or something, but I feel pretty ambivalent towards talking to and meeting new people at the same time. I don’t understand what’s happening and I don’t like it. If I don’t even understand or know myself, how am I supposed to understand anything else?

I wish I could write more, because I don’t know what else to do with myself. Half of the time I am trapped in the chaos that is my overthinking and noise. I hate noisy thoughts. I have wished that people meant it when they said that they think I’m a good friend, or they appreciate me, or whatever. But having seen how ever-changing and irresolute people seem to be with their human relationships and whether they care to maintain them, I just can’t help but feel apathetic towards trying.

I’ve forgotten how good it feels to be able to hug someone and mean it.

I’ve forgotten how happy I was when I could stay up all night and chat with a dear friend of mine with a hot cup of tea. Those evenings were some of my favourite moments ever in the world.

I’ve forgotten how I could be so happy that my heart aches, when someone I loved said that they need me or wanted to see me right now.

I’ve forgotten the last time I felt attractive or sexy in front of the opposite sex.

But I don’t know if I care to feel them again anymore, because feelings change every moment, and disappear right away. Nothing is permanent, and probably no one cares.

I used to think that there’s colourful and warm little person inside of me, that will always keep going and make everyone else around her a bit happier. But she’s tired and I don’t know if she’ll ever come out again.

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