The intense feeling of warm, red betrayal that was the prelude to my current state of mind is slowly being replaced by the feeling of heartache and fatigue.

I was working and listening to music, then I came to realise that I’ve already forgotten what songs I used to always listen to when I felt sad. This is good though, because listening to sad music when you are sad will only create a vicious psychological cycle. Listening to sad music will only reinforce negative thoughts and amplify your emotions; it will do you no good.

It’s important to learn to forgive people, because when you are able to let go of the past, and accept it as what has happened, you’ll feel much better.

When you are able to forgive others, you’re freeing them, but you are also freeing yourself. In a way you are forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to stop being tied down from that pain.

[Oops, once again I have started a draft and left it without finishing it.]

Anyway, there’s actually been an update to the situation. I recently started speaking to that person again. It’s always easy to obscure the story to tell it so that it’s in favor of ourselves and portray us in a positive light. Indeed we can only ever tell the story from our perspectives. Regardless of whether it’s because we’re protecting ourselves, or because we just don’t want to accept a flawed side of our personalities, we can’t deny the fact that we are all human. What I want to say is that, although he may have used me for his momentary lustful desires, I have used him to feed my ego. I cannot deny the sense of achievement that I feel when I can successfully seduce or provoke someone, especially when it’s remote (e.g. over text).

When you take a step back and learn not to victimise anyone in these interpersonal situations, you will hurt less and you will learn that sometimes it really isn’t that complicated. Not everything is just right-or-wrong. Whilst this is kind of a separate point, it was something I wanted to share here.

I continue to tread the murky waters that is the complex interplay of give-and-take in interpersonal relationships. My feet are wet and cold. I am going nowhere.

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