Ghosting, emotional attachment and other issues

Wow I haven’t written anything in a while, not that many people reads this but myself ha. Anyway, I do get annoyed at myself for not posting in such a long time – I actually had two film reviews and a post planned, but just never got around to it because of work and such…at least I’m doing it now!

As someone who has been using online dating apps for a little more than two years now, I can say that I’m really starting to get sick of it, well, or at least the people on it. I’m sure not everyone will relate or resonate with what I’m about to say, but I do think that many will agree (at least with most of the following points).

  1. Ghosting sucks.

This happens to both boys and girls, men and women. For whatever reason the other person (or your ‘match’) chose to discontinue your conversations or interactions, it never feels nice to be ‘ghosted’. For those of you who do not know what the term means, to ‘ghost’ someone is to completely stop contact with the individual – texting, any form of communication via social media or apps…etc. The term derives from the fact that that person just disappears as if they were ghosts, never to be seen or found again. Whilst some of you may say things like: “hey, just take it easy, people are douches”, or “it probably wasn’t meant to work out”…etc. it really doesn’t help. Yes, a lot of the time these things would be made easier if we didn’t care, or cared less, but it’s just fucking frustrating when someone just ignores you when you did nothing wrong. It’s unfair. You could argue that who you are actually didn’t matter in the scenario, the person who ghosted you probably just found someone else despite your date going fairly well…and yes I’d agree to that, but there actually is a science behind the feeling of being ignored – it’s called ostracism.

Ostracism, or the act of ostracizing an individual, is to exclude them from a society or group. Psychological studies have found that people often felt distressed, sad and rejected after being ignored by a group of people; this result transferred even to an online game of ball passing (where the two non-player characters passed the ball to each other and not to the human participant). Obviously this is more related to people’s natural desire to belong, and to feel accepted and included; however, one similarity is that people would often rather be bullied or go through some sort of confrontation than experience the ‘silent treatment’. This makes intuitive sense, because if you’re being confronted, you at least get the chance to explain or defend yourself, and make yourself heard. In contrast, being ignored or ostracized just leaves you with that bitterness and lack of ending to a situation or relationship. This is obviously much more upsetting if you’ve known that person for a long time or had a meaningful relationship, but it’s frustrating all the same. *More on this in websites such as: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2009/04/social.aspx *

2.  Emotional attachment

This point is kind of linked to the previous one, in that the more emotionally attached you are to someone, the more ghosting or being ignored impacts you. I often find it difficult to move on from people (obviously not everyone, some people don’t deserve it), even if my interactions or ‘relationships’ with them only last for a very short amount of time. It is especially difficult to move on from someone or something if you did not have proper closure, and leaving people hanging or just ignoring them creates the lack of closure. It also doesn’t provide an explanation. At least for myself, I often find myself being upset and confused as to why people have chosen to discontinue their interactions or relationship with me – did I say something or do something wrong? Yes, I am an overthinker. I care waaaaay too much about what other people think of me, but that also makes me a sensitive person. I am open-minded, nonjudgmental and caring, and these are qualities I pride myself of. Although we all have strengths and flaws, most of us tend to focus on our flaws instead, and that’s not healthy. Sure, I think we should also try to improve ourselves, but our strengths are also worth remembering.

//

WordPress tells me that I created this draft 22 days ago. For whatever reason I decided not to finish or post this, I am back here now. I am aware that this post is likely to be received negatively (maybe not, it’s just a thought), but whatever. I think I originally wanted to talk about this because I honestly think it’s so unfair that people can walk away and disappear without saying anything. Is it so hard to take out the few seconds in your life and say “hey I’m sorry but I don’t think we click.” or whatever? By not saying anything you leave the other person potentially on false hope for a while.

“But why should I do it, I don’t care”

Many bad things stem from not caring about things or people. Sure, some times not caring is a good thing, but in the current context, I think it’s quite heartless to not care and just block someone. Again, I must stress that it is within the current context that I speak. If someone is stalking you and wouldn’t leave you alone after you have been clear then you have every right to block them and avoid them. But I do think that the other person who shared a conversation or a coffee or a night with you, however brief or drunk it may have been, deserves some sort of closure. Maybe you’re on the other end and you don’t care either, and I can’t change that.

I don’t even fucking know and I don’t care right now anymore about anything. Ironic.

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