It’s been so long since I last posted I can’t even remember what I posted about, what posts I deleted or kept last time since I decided I was going to turn this blog into one talking about films, games and stuff (instead of thoughts, life and emotions). However, I am sorry to disappoint you, dear reader, since this post will be one about feelings.
YEESH. FEELINGS. Who wants to talk about it or hear about it? Nobody!
…is what seems to be people’s attitude these days. Everyone goes around asking “How are you?” yet what they want to hear is “I’m good, and you?” At the same time, sensational media has never been received so well, with everyone feeling entitled to voice their opinions, be it based on their actual beliefs and knowledge, or on some online article that has misquoted someone or been filled with bold but unsupported statements. Social media is taking over the lives of all human beings, eating our brains alive…
I’m sorry I seem to have lost my point. Oh right.
Online dating has become such a popular apparatus for people to meet others (and do whatever-the-fuck they wanna do) nowadays. Whilst I don’t really want to comment on this in a sociological or psychological viewpoint at this very moment, I will say that I feel online dating has really killed the idea of romance. Maybe it was us who killed it, but hey, let’s not take this too seriously, after all nobody seems to want to take intimate, romantic human relationships seriously anymore.
‘Why commit to one person when you can go around fucking three or four?’
‘Why tie yourself down when you can be free to love whoever you want?’
Yeah but, what are you really gaining at the end of the day? Is it love? I doubt it. I don’t want to sound pretentious, but I’m sure it will come across like that anyway haha. What I want to express is that a long time ago I was so sure that I was someone who wouldn’t be able to sleep with someone I had completely no feelings for, or someone I wasn’t even attracted to. But through the 2 years that I have been using online dating apps, I have slowly grown accustomed to what is actually a very chaotic, ridiculous, messed up process of: start talking to someone, meet them, either nothing happens or after a while of talking and meeting, sleeping with them (this may happen once or several times). And I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I still can’t sleep with someone if I’m not attracted to them at all, of course. Or if there wasn’t something that I admired about them. But I guess I’ve become someone who I didn’t want to become in one way or another.
After two years of meeting some very interesting people and some jerks I’m starting to get bored of it. If I had to be completely honest, I would say that I want a relationship, but with 90% of the guys I meet I have learned that almost none of them want to commit. As such, it was be silly to expect anything like a relationship; what happens most of the time is I become friends with benefits with them for a while and then it fizzles out. I should say that I crave human company, intriguing conversations and hugs more than anything else – I’m not that interested in sex. But no one seems to be interested in that (the former; everyone else seems interested in sex so much more).
A man I was sleeping with a while ago told me: “You’re still young, you shouldn’t go around sleeping with guys whom you don’t care about. Go on proper dates and find someone you deserve. You’re a sweet girl.” I’ll have you know that I hate it when people lecture me like that. He probably said that because he was 17 years older than I was, and maybe felt like he was doing me a favour, but frankly I did not appreciate it. First of all it’s not like I sleep with anyone and everyone. Secondly, it’s not like I don’t want a relationship; the guys I like just don’t seem to like me the same way, or want to be in a relationship with me.
I’ve been told by several people that I seem more mature than other people of my age, but to be honest I don’t know if I’m mature, pessimistic, or just tired and fed up.